Poetry annex

Poet Laureate Bishop Manfred Collinwood continues his poetry annex with his stirring ode to the Battle of Osstermonger. Wherein two companies of the Queen's Hussars defeated a hospital full of Dutch Nuns.

The Battle of Osstermonger
Come crack of musket and zip of cannon,
‘Tis time to fight good men of mammon!
For God, for Country, for Queen, forsooth!
The eye of time snorts ‘battle for truth!’

Along the line, no faint heart beat-ed,
No man-o-war dare remained seated!
Crimson warriors, all to a man!
The rabble opposing, a tremulous clan.

‘Bang’ went the cannon, ‘crack’ went the whip,
‘Zing’ went the musket and shatter went the hip.
‘Blart’ screamed the rider, ‘Ba-doing’ went the gun,
The British standard still erect, at the setting of the sun!

Hoorah went the General, Hussar called the men,
Set the rabble on it’s feet and we’ll have it all again!
‘Mercy’ screamed the prisoners, ‘No’ begged the cripples,
But the cannon cracked and mercy lacked as they blew away their nipples.

Slaughter called the statesmen, genocide the writers shouted,
But sour grapes is the last recourse of an enemy so routed.
‘Zing’ went the medals, ‘hip-hip’ the screaming crowd,
Another British victory, for which we are so proud!

God save the Queen!

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At the theatre this coming week ending...

Poetry annex

Poet Laureate Bishop Manfred Collinwood begins our poetry annex with a hearfelt ode to the great British favourite, Beef.

'Ode to Beef' or, 'To the Cow, the crown.' By Bishop Manfred Collinwood. 1886.

Oh succulent loin, so braised, so beautiful.
You bless our plate with your cutlets so chewable.

Your sweet flesh divine for the nourishment of all,
You answer our hunger, our stomachs clarion call.

Be you in bap, in sauce, in stew or in batter,
You plump up our bellys and let our ankles get fatter.

Oh beef, oh beef, I ne’er tire of your name!
Please cut me a slice and let gravey doth rain!

A Victorian picto-report: Sir Maximillian Gadaday's recent exploration of the Niger basin. Part 1

The following images are used courtesy of Sir Maximillian Gadadays estate, and are taken from his recent Niger basin exploration from June 1883 - October 1883.

The text is kindly reproduced from the notes and slides used in his recent talk at the Wollington Womens Institute. Some images have been ommitted due to the daring nakedness featured within this primitive jungle. But, as Sir Gadaday remarked, 'One had to get starkers before johnny-native or he wouldn't let one start filming...'


Sir Gadady (centre) poses with his bat-man Mr Cracknell (left) and expedition pastry chef, Maurice St Germaine. Just out of frame - the 80 foot long rubber dirigible, 'The afront to God'.

This charming native boy, Mnengway, was sadly the first to succumb to the giant puffer leechs to be found on the muddy rises surrounding the Niger. Armed only with his spear and shield he fought several of these foul beasts but was overwhelmed when they vented their ear-sacks and broiled his shins.

To the uninitiated this may look like nothing more than a screen of native trees. In fact, and this may surprise you, it is in fact a screen of native fern.

Further into the jungle we found this group of itinerate quantity surveyors. Largely ferral now they seemed harmless enough, although one did try and break into our biscuit box, so we shot him.

I don't claim to have any understanding as to what this is. But it is recorded here none the less.

Taking time at the Nigers source. Mr Cracknell rests near the banks while taking topographical surveys of the rivers tributaries. Marvelling at the winding shape Mr Cracknell would later describe it as 'a cock-crooked French tickler kind of shape!' to no-ones amusement.

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Issue 2 released to the groaning populous!

Greetings my good ladies and gentlemen,

It is with a due sense of elation and tumescence that I bring to you today the latest issue of 'The Penny Dreadful Tale of wonder!' This month we delve into the complex and criminal, the murderous and the maniacal, the heinous and the horrible world of violent death detection! Follow Detective Inspector Mott as he unravels that what with which is unravelable! 'The gouging phantasm of Smithyfield Gap!'

Thrill - as the tale weaves the wonders of the scientific age!

Gasp - at the mind machinations of Londons finest Policemen!

Gush - as the crimes unfold in blood curdling, hair trimming detail!


No responsibility shall be taken by the author and or publication for vapours, tinglings or spasms betwixt the ears upon reading this issue.


Read on if you dare!

What be this voodoo?

Hello, please, sit down and loosen your knees.

You may be wondering what the heck-fire and damnation this place is all about? What is ‘The Penny Dreadful tale of wonder’? And what do girls look like when they’ve got their pants off? Well, let me answer the first two (I’ve never been able to get a ladies pants off, so can’t answer the third point).

‘The Penny Dreadful tales of wonder’ are a surreal series of fictional stories set in the era of Victorian Britain. They take a skewed look at the inhabitants of this time and feature flights-of-fancies about explorers, captains of industry and captains of boats, musical entertainers, detectives, stern governesses, black magic and the macabre.

These twisted boys-own adventures are written, produced and distributed by myself – and are purely for entertainment value. By that I mean they are free, and a simple, yet hopefully entertaining, distraction in this world of tax laws, software patches and soar-away Sun readers offers to Disneyland Paris.

The idea is these issues will be distributed in hard-copy form as 4/6 page pamphlets, as the original Penny Dreadfuls would have been, within communial areas such as coffee bars, art galleries, rectal thermometer symposiums, and where ever eager minded people gather. If you run/own/have naked pictures of the manager of such an establishment, please drop me a line for some samples. Plain text version are available on the issue posts.. look, there's some on the left...

Lots more guff will be spunked up on this Blog over time in keeping with the Victorian theme, so please sit back, have a frappacino, and enjoy.