We introduce a new feature to this site today with the inclusion of several readers courting profiles. These details are submitted by these good people in order that they may introduce themselves to potential suitors and begin the long process of courtship. We for our part shall be the virtual chaperone. Ensuring no contact of the knees, needless eye flutterings or passing of lewd notes shall be undertaken. Should you wish to pass a missive to any of the ladies and gentlemen below, please write to your Member of Parliament seeking the ‘Commencement of opposite gender communication’ paperwork, which when processed by your guardian and or parent, solicitor and local clergyman can be forwarded to ourselves. Every third document received will be indiscriminately burned before opening in order to preserve some mystery to the proceedings.
Lady Florence Xerox
About myself: I am a timid creature, with no real sense of depth perception or smell. I have twice been engaged to the same Count from Bavaria and both times retreated from such commitments due to his insistence on beating a kettle drum during dinner. Be warned. I am of slim build, with brown hair and mousey eyes.
Looking for in a gentleman: Nice fingers that join to the hand. Must be of independent means and of good family stock. Size is irrelevant but must make me feel as if a goods train has mistaken me for a station during intimacy. No quakers.
Dowry: Dorset.
Doctor Rasputin Broom
About myself: I take no nonsense from the female of the species and believe that a good wife should be a whore in the kitchen, a cook in the bedroom, a chicken in a basket and a Turner in a Hooch. I seek only something to sire me children for the continuation of my genetic nose-bleeds which have thrilled the Princes of Europe.
Looking for in a lady: Breath in it’s lungs and fertility in it’s belly. I already have a dog, so lack of fondness to me, or downright hatred, is of no concern.
Dowry: Less than the cost of shipping you to me from Dover.
Martin Martindale, Esq.
About myself: I am currently a book maker in Hartford, but some day wish to make pamphlets in Harrogate. I am warm, calm under pressure and sometimes have even been known to weep gently at moving tapestries. I am in touch with my feminine side in that I own some buttons, a shoe and some soap.
Looking for in a lady: I wish my wife to be a good hearty woman, with a good soul, a cheery smile and enormous juggs.
Dowry: I have some silver plated teeth, will that do?
Rolanda Twick-morestyle
About myself: I have campaigned fervently for the continuation of the slave trade, yet believe in emancipation for women. I am deeply conflicted and sometimes argue with myself to such degrees I batter my head against a pillar in my garden with such ferocity I have blacked out and woken up in a field where the cows are all smaller than they should be.
Looking for in a gentleman: About twelve times more body hair than I and a propensity for rickets is a must. I have large hips and a habit of running about on my hands and knees, I must be able to run between the knees of any potential suitor with ease.
Dowry: Some sparrows will do.
Edward Force III
About myself: I am a lover of life and often indulge my passion for wildlife by tending to injured badgers or fucking a piglet. I can be found most days strolling on my 50 acre estate while reciting poetry and kicking orphans. I am an enigma. Can you solve me?
Looking for in a lady: Trust. Passion. Virtue. Duty. Family. These are just some of the words she must be able to spell. Other than that a cracking pair of thighs and I’m done old boy…
Dowry: I will give you the moon. The star light. (I will not actually give you the moon or star light.)
Sir Gadady (centre) poses with his bat-man Mr Cracknell (left) and expedition pastry chef, Maurice St Germaine. Just out of frame - the 80 foot long rubber dirigible, 'The afront to God'.
This charming native boy, Mnengway, was sadly the first to succumb to the giant puffer leechs to be found on the muddy rises surrounding the Niger. Armed only with his spear and shield he fought several of these foul beasts but was overwhelmed when they vented their ear-sacks and broiled his shins.
Taking time at the Nigers source. Mr Cracknell rests near the banks while taking topographical surveys of the rivers tributaries. Marvelling at the winding shape Mr Cracknell would later describe it as 'a cock-crooked French tickler kind of shape!' to no-ones amusement.
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